(Source: nomatterwhatkeeponsmiling, via invincibl-3)

I feel like I’ve learned a lot about relationships in the last few years. I’ve learned from watching other couples and from my own experiences. 

To me, the most important thing in a relationship is obviously Trust. A relationship will never work out in the long run if you are always questioning everything. Both partners need to understand that trust isn’t something you automatically have, it has to be earned. I’m guilty of wanting a certain relationship to happen so badly, but I know deep in my heart that it would never work out because no matter how much I care for him, I would never trust him and he would never want to work to earn my trust. So, for something that I feel has taken up a lot of my brain for the last five years, I’ve recently accepted the fact that because I know that I could never trust him it would never work out. So what’s the point of trying to hope it will? 

I’m getting frustrated with this because I feel like he thinks that all of the issues that we have stem from me, when really it’s because of him. Obviously, I’m not perfect but, for example, we hung out for the first time in a year last week for about an hour. In that hour, he insulted my hair (apparently it looked like I’d been electrocuted), my outfit (I just think it’s interesting that you’re wearing that) and my toenail polish (I can’t even look at your toes right now). In the car, he kept talking about how awkward I was being when in fact, even though I felt about 2 inches small after he was done commenting on how I looked, I was feeling the exact opposite of awkward, and only when he started talking about how awkward it was did the situation actually become awkward.

He hates when I bring up the past, so I chose not to address why I felt he thought this situation was awkward. (And maybe I should have told him about how upset he made me this summer considering he doesn’t speak to me today, but tomorrow who knows?) You hate talking about the past? Then why do you keep trying to relive it? Why did you make me drive half an hour to come see you, sit in your room doing nothing for 45 minutes while you play video games and ignore me and then we go to wal mart at midnight, which was the exact same thing we did every night when we were freshman in college. And now it’s even worse because when we were 19 at least you called me a friend and respected me as a person. It’s so frustrating because he thinks I’m the one that can’t let go, when I feel like I’m trying really hard to move on and be a grown up, and I would prefer to grow up in the next phase of my life with this person as at least my friend, and he still wants to do exactly what we did when we were nineteen. 

He has so many other friends that are girls, maybe girls he is dating, who knows. He calls them back or texts them back, and when they hang out they probably do something fun like go to a bar or out to dinner. But all he wants to do when he hangs out with me is go to Wal Mart. Apparently all the things I’ve done for him since we met (I can’t even count how many times I dropped everything I was doing to drive four hours to Houston just because he asked me to) doesn’t count for anything because he will never respect me as a person or as a woman. AND the sad thing is I still really want to be his friend and the sadder thing is he has no desire whatsoever to be mine. It’s just frustrating because I feel like I want to come out of a five year friendship/whatever you classify it as with something that makes it all worth it. Just to spend the last five years going around in this circle to ignoring each other is not what I want. 

But despite all of this, he will always view our relationship in that I’m the one with all the problems. Maybe he understands how friendship works, but he clearly doesn’t understand how to have one with me. 

Since now the both of us are living in Houston, I viewed it as a perfect opportunity to start over with a clean slate, so we could try to be friends again, and that everything from the past doesn’t matter right now. I would tell him this but odds are he really doesn’t care. So why do I still have so much hope that it will? 

I deactivated my twitter and deleted it off my phone. I didn’t want to. But doing that was one less way I had of keeping in touch with him, therefore one less reason to care about him. Everything about our relationship has been his decision. He decides when we talk, when we hang out, when we are friends, more than friends or not speaking at all. None of it has ever been up to me. If we are walking in a store, I’m expected to keep up with him or get left behind. There is no compromise, at least not with me. There is no anything. But I’m trying to take control of the things that I can. No matter how small they are.